So I had a bit of a moment last week.
After working a late shift I woke up the next day with a pain in my neck, on the same side as my biopsy. The pain went from my shoulder to my jaw. After about a day I panicked, could my lymph nodes be swelling? Are they getting bigger?
I called my oncologist office, explained the pain to the secretary and waited for my oncologist to call back.
During this time I took a nap – and when I woke up the pain was completely GONE. You can imagine how stupid I felt for freaking out… really? I called my oncologist because of a mild neck pain?
LUCKILY the secretary left a message and I did not have to actually talk to her, and tell her “Ugh yeah, I took a nap and it went away”
This episode was a major source of anxiety for me, and after reviewing it in my mind I realized one thing: I no longer trusted my body.
Ever have those moments? Where you have a slight cough, a strange rash, a headache that won’t go away and after spending some time on the internet you decide it’s OBVIOUSLY ebola/aids/brain tumor.
BUT….. you know it’s nothing, really in the back of your mind, you know it will go away. Just like EVERYTHING else before it.
That’s it, this last time it wasn’t nothing. My body let me down, it was supposed to be some infection, my imagination, something NORMAL. I was supposed to get a prescription for some antibiotics, a pat on the back and a boot out the door.
After all these years of “nothings” my body finally gave in and came up with “something”. So what’s to say that all these little things happening aren’t related to my lymphoma?
It’s hard to say, I guess the next few months (years?) will be a test for me, I’ll have to make these decisions often and I’m really not good at that. I’m just really not good at having cancer.
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