Trust Issues

So I had a bit of a moment last week. 

After working a late shift I woke up the next day with a pain in my neck, on the same side as my biopsy. The pain went from my shoulder to my jaw. After about a day I panicked, could my lymph nodes be swelling? Are they getting bigger?

I called my oncologist office, explained the pain to the secretary and waited for my oncologist to call back.

During this time I took a nap – and when I woke up the pain was completely GONE. You can imagine how stupid I felt for freaking out… really? I called my oncologist because of a mild neck pain?

LUCKILY the secretary left a message and I did not have to actually talk to her, and tell her “Ugh yeah, I took a nap and it went away”

This episode was a major source of anxiety for me, and after reviewing it in my mind I realized one thing: I no longer trusted my body.

Ever have those moments? Where you have a slight cough, a strange rash, a headache that won’t go away and after spending some time on the internet you decide it’s OBVIOUSLY ebola/aids/brain tumor.

BUT….. you know it’s nothing, really in the back of your mind, you know it will go away. Just like EVERYTHING else before it.

That’s it, this last time it wasn’t nothing. My body let me down, it was supposed to be some infection, my imagination, something NORMAL. I was supposed to get a prescription for some antibiotics, a pat on the back and a boot out the door.

After all these years of “nothings” my body finally gave in and came up with “something”. So what’s to say that all these little things happening aren’t related to my lymphoma?

It’s hard to say, I guess the next few months (years?) will be a test for me, I’ll have to make these decisions often and I’m really not good at that. I’m just really not good at having cancer.

---

---

The Oncology center

Thursday was my first visit to the oncology center. I was very surprised that it seemed to run as a separate entity from the hospital and it's very new bright and calm. The waiting area has nice new comfy chairs, big windows and a calm atmosphere. 

The one thing I noticed, as I sat there waiting for my appointment was that everyone waiting was OLD, like 60+. I really didn't feel like I belonged there. 

 

When my turn came Louise, the dr.'s nurse asked me a series if questions and took my weight and height. She was very very very nice, and made me feel very comfortable.

When doctor Whitlock came in I was very nervous, he was very nice and explained everything to me clearly. 

What he said: it is not uncommon for people with this type of lymphoma to have it in other areas of the body, they did find some in areas in my pelvis and stomach.

 What does this mean? Well not much, it means it's still there, but growing slowly. 

He also told me that prognosis for people who start chemo early vs those who waited until it was necessary was the same. The thing is that once you do chemo, the second time it has to be a stronger chemo. 

This being said we are opting for a "watch and wait" approach. I will watch my symptoms closely, and have a CT scan every 6 months. 

How do I feel about this?

Well at first I was a little upset, it all seemed very anti-climactic. How could I just wait around to take care of this?

However the more I thought about it the more relieved I was. It's like in getting more time, time to take care of myself physically, emotionally and financially.

I can take this time and get ready- prepare myself for the day when I have to have chemo. 

My plan is to concentrate of clean eating, exersize and spending time with family.

I'll keep this blog updated with how I feel, what's going on and any other news regarding my health. ;)